You don’t love me. You never did.

This is a poem I penned on August 22 2012. Here it is, word for word

You never loved me and I’m sure it’s not all in my head
I see how you look at me,
If love is unconditional and goes above and beyond why are there disdain and disgust in your eyes?
The sight of me changes your mood, you huff and puff around me, it melts the little I have left off my bones
I make eye contact only to get a punch as a response,
And though the scars and vibrations of that blow fade away, the wound on my heart is here to stay.

Why do you keep breaking my heart in pieces, every time I try to pick them up you kick me and scatter more bits and shreds.
But the One who knew me. even in my unformed body picked me up and has me standing on my two feet…still broken.

How the hell is this weakness supposed to strengthen me?

Here I am, broken, incomplete, and I fight through what is left and still love you, oh how I do.
I have all these hopes for us and hold onto the promises; those of Deuteronomy and Ephesians,
The promises embedded in my mind, spirit and soul, that of a little young girl still crying in me.
You don’t love me, because if you did, you’d love her and if you loved her you wouldn’t hurt us, again and again and again.
But you do, and you know, and it doesn’t matter to you because you don’t care.

I remind you of a you, a young you, naive and immature.
Out of despair, grief over another, you had to stay, another you still mourn. Another that I can never be.

God’s time is the best, His ways are not ours and in His time all things are made wonderful. Ergo, I trust in Him and still cheer for you.

But truth is I am slipping away, I wish I weren’t but I am, my hold on you is getting tiresome, I want to let go.
Maybe you’ll notice me when I’m gone. However I’m afraid I’ll wake up one day to the conclusion that all this waiting and hoping was futile.

I’m afraid the truth is and always will be that: You don’t love me, You never did.

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